...and he whispered to me in binary code, the secret of the Google algorithm.

Missing something?

DIY Voodoo &Vengeance

Things are heating up in the Antipodes and it’s making my blood boil.... Be sure to wear your gris-gris.

That’s right folks, I’m itchin’ for a witchin’ and there be fools steppin’ on my toes. Takin’ liberties, pushin’ my buttons and I know you feel me when I say it’s time for a reckoning. It’s time for some healthy retribution.

So button up pack your road rage into that soul pocket for a moment (the one that turns into cancer if you don’t keep an eye on it) because we have stumbled upon a new ways to vent your spleen.

Dinky DIY's Manual on Voodoo & Vengeance:

Louisiana Ouanga:

Rootwork is the hoodoo term for one that cooks up potions and powders from herbs and roots. How’s your veggie garden going? I don’t need to tell you the old laxative in the coffee trick or putting wee flowers (dandelions) under the object of your wrath’s pillow at night but you may very well be unaware of the old potions relied upon by witchdoctors of the Caribbean to drive the message home. The idea is you make a little pouch filled with a wicked ingredients which your victim must merely touch to begin the curse.

Marie Laveau apparently sealed her sought after charm pouch’s with dragon’s blood ink, fetching hefty prices from the fearful believers. Remember, only an odd number of ingredients and never more than 13 items.

Recipe for Goofer Dust (this one brings on serious trouble for one’s enemy ... so be careful!)

• Graveyard dirt
  
• Black salt
  
• Ground sulfur
  
• Snake skin
  
• Magnetic sand
  
• Dried pigeon poo

Blow on the bag to activate the magick!

Consult your grimoire for good stockists.

Blood Feud:
Nemo Me Impune Lacessit

When you play with fire, you’re bound to get burnt, dear readers. Which is why one must keep one’s nose out of crazy tribal madness at all times. Familial, tribal and gang vendettas can be a messy business and nobody wants to be the mopper... or the mopped?! Leave all that business down in Melbourne where it belongs, I say, and learn to play nice like the Samurais did . Stay classy, friends, air kiss while you twist that knife in their backs and sweetly smile while stirring poison. If things start to get really bad, just be sure you have a sexy yellow jumpsuit onhand.

Oh Poppets!
You remind me of the babe
(What babe?)
Babe with the power
(What power?)
Power of voodoo
(Who do?)
You do
(Do what?)
Remind me of the babe

Poppets are the original voodoo dolls (these dolls actually have no place in the Haitian/West African Voodou religions) originating in Europe as little sympathetic magic outlets for ill-intentions. But unless you have a stray Barbie kicking around, who has time to rustle up twigs and wax for this exacting form of punishment. Not us, Dinksters! We are busy people of the world and that’s why I have scoured the interwebz to bring you the 21st Century solution – Virtual Voodoo Doll. Get clicking.


Beat of A Tell Tale Heart:
"And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life, Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot..." Exodus 21:23

Nothing sends the message clearer than a rumbling beat of doom. Bongos, clapping sticks or stomping feet work quite well. In the office, batterie maconnique can be simulated with the ear-drum piercing frustration of a fax-line repeatedly harassing one’s landline. Set your fax to try 15 times then call our enemy’s direct number. Then go calmly about your day knowing with each ring, their nerves are fraying slight more and more.

Weapon of Choice:
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening." [Alfred Hitchcock]

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold but how about undead?
In Haitian voodoo culture, zombification is a specialised vengeance punishment for wrongdoers but in Westernised cultures everyone wants instant gratification, seeing results now now now... you know, Bobbit-style . There are different styles, some procrastinate a la Hamlet or they might gloat like the nutjobs at Revenge Lady. Some folks like to see others in pain, bloodied horse heads on pillows and the such, others seek swift retribution. For more information, speak to the professionals ... or watch more cartoons, Sylvester and Tweetie, Tom and Jerry, Itchy and Scratchy, Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner.... plenty of inspiration.


Screw karma, give ‘em what’s coming!

Wadda Wippoff Or Dinky DIY’s Guide to Dodging Cons

Greetings infidels.

Penny pinching is du jour in these GFC (Gotta find cash? Get fricken covered?) times bringing out the recessionista in everyone.

Basically the rich have been just dying for an opportunity to be out, loud and proud about tight-arsed behaviour and the flurry of middle class blogs penned around frugal chic is testament to that.

Now, we at Dinky DIY say more power to you! The Machine is a constantly scheming engine that is churning out new and breathtakingly cheeky ways to rip us all off, so we say give it back to ‘em.

Here are some classic rip offs so you can spot them a mile away.

Bottled Water: Evian can suck it. Seriously what the eff, people? What do you pay water rates for? It’s flowing freely through your faucets and you just can’t wait to dash out and buy some more blue-lidded landfill. Oh waaah, it tastes metallic. Cry me a river, you pansies. Harden up and dilute it with scotch.

Diamonds: Show me the carbon and I’ll show you the diamonds. Tons of them, mate, scattered around everywhere but just try and sell them and you will have a serious encounter on your hands. Enter DeBeers (cue evil laugh). Yep those buggers have made it their business to suppress diamond supply and squeeze out competition for yonks, so that you are serving up three times your monthly salary to snare the heart of your darling. The woman who coined the ultra successful “Diamonds Are Forever” line, didn’t ever get married because she knew that it was all just a line.

Farmers Markets & The Organic Food Con: Yes, of course you feel better after you have eaten sausages that cost you $6 a snag or a slice of $8 bread. That’s because you’re a yuppie; all smug and superior when you see others at the lunch table content with their glutinous, processed, pesticided white bread making their children ADHD or hyper-allergic or whatever and giving them ulcers and cancers and what not. But rest easy, most of those fancy pants delis and farmers markets have free tastings, so if you’re fast and relatively inconspicuous, you can tour around stocking up on upmarket treats without parting with a cent.

Gym Membership: Flabby McFlabFlab went to the gym, the peach-buttocked girls sold a dream to him, “$49 a month and sure thing you’ll be thin! Don’t read the fine print – just sign here and win.” And the chubby fool copped it all with a grin.

The Secret : Spoiler alert! I’ll save you the time and dosh and let the big fat secret out of the bag for free... you are in control of you. Oooohhh myyyyy goooooodddddd. Reeeeevvvveeellllaaattionn. That is unless, of course, you have already begun reading the books and watching the DVDs. Then you are not in control. You are being brainwashed by the some geniuses who got high distinctions in Marketing 101. If you really want to lose your grip, why not look into Turning Point ?

Stay ahead of the game, gumdrops.

I Had A Dream OR Dinky DIY’s Guide To Dream Interpretation

And in my slumber, deepest deep,
Visions come, the sins of sleep.

Oooh yes, dinksters, be wary. My troubled mind is conjuring madness in restless nights. Muahahahaha. Don’t know if it had something to do with the vegetarian tacos that were gulped down during a movie marathon which included Pretty In Pink, A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream and Dogma, but last nights’ dream was a doozy.

Be on your guard for such as this;

Dream Interpretation:
We are such stuff as dreams are made of. -Shakespeare

You know that awesome one where you just take off and begin to fly? Well it means you’re pregnant... or you’re about to die... or you will win lotto... or you’re probably reading too many of those hokey dream interpretation dictionaries. That’s right folks, once upon a time you could just have the naked walking down the street works and it was a healthy outlet for another average Joe dealing with the miserable conformity and isolation of modern life. But now, no! Those dream-reading, hemp-wearing, hair-dreading seers whip up sales by turning something so innocent into something disturbingly compelling. Even Oprah’s on the bandwagon with her dream diary crap. Sheesh, if dreams were meant to be talked about don’t you think we would remember them better?

Sex Dreams:

I dream of genie with the light brown hair ...

– Bugs Bunny (the funniest Wabbit ever.)

There are the ones that put a spring in your step (and a strain in your wrist) and those others that have that unmistakable Eewwwww factor. But just when you were having those gross-out flashbacks and wondering “what is wrong with me???” take heart that you’re not a ‘banditing’ ... or are you?

Famous Dreams:

Any dream will do - Joseph

If I had one dream that could go down in the pages of history it would have to be the one where I had a bitchfight with Maleficent from Snow White... but maybe this is not the fodder of famous dreams. It seems, if I want to be remembered for my nocturnal visions best I get dreaming about fat cows and wearing technicolour dream coats. Sometimes dreams can be handy, like the one Hitler had that warned him to get a wriggle on before he was blown to bits or that scientist, Frederich Kekule, had about the compound of benzene. Others can be darn depressing, like Lincoln’s . They are good for writer’s though, being credited for Shelley’s Frankenstein and King’s Misery.


In The Dreamtime:

Now here I go again, I see the crystal vision

-Stevie Nicks

In this day and age, not many of us get sent off into the wilderness to experience a malnutricianed struggle with poison berries and septicaemic wounds to aid us in our spiritual journey.... but don’t let that stop you from getting your spirit animal on. Dinky DIY does not promote mind altering substances actively (we know you cheeky buggers don’t need encouragement) even though Australia’s own acacia madenii does happen to grow about the place and contains a rather “enhancing” substance in it known as DMT . But tut tut tut, who needs that rubbish when you have the fainting game ?

Sleep tight!

dustbitten

Sometimes you've gotta step back and look at the big picture, but sometimes the opposite is true too.



A hazy, throat-choking, nose-tickling cloud descended upon the Australian east coast yesterday turning out glittering harbours and neighbourhoods into Marscapes. Giving everyone the opportunity to focus on what is right in front of them, the over-looked details of your immediate life.

Stop being a whingy ratbag and look on the bright-side, when the expanding horizons are blurred you can stay inside and work on the often neglected little things and regular relationships.

Or not. Suck on your asthma attack.

FYI Things have been worse.


.

Dinky DIYs Guide to Harlots, Whores & Hookers

OR Gettin' Jiggy

Back in Sydney, where sun kissed firm flesh abounds! Whatevs, while I mix myself a pina colada and load up RedTube

here`s

Dinky DIYs Guide to Harlots, Whores & Hookers ... y’know, in case you’re job-hunting. Inform yourselves.

The World`s Oldest Profession: During the heyday of Roman orgies, Emperor Claudius‘ naughty younger bride, Messalina, challenged Rome‘s top-billing whore to a sex marathon. Curious about who could hang in there the longest, the match was scheduled and Messalina won after 25 rounds. Atta gal! But all this skirt lifting and streetwalking can come at a price and the terrifying Jack the Ripper was not the first nor last fiend to target working girls for grim ends. Apparently business is also suffering since the economic crisis has hit .

The Happy Hooker: She is Amsterdam`s celebrity daughter of the flesh, Xaviera Hollander. Born like a thousand years ago in the Dutch East Indies she now looks like a really old blow-up doll. She ended up in New York when she was in her 20s working for the Dutch consulate, but when the opportunity to become a $1000 a night call girl popped up… well, Ol' Xaviera wasn't silly, she could do the math. After a year of cashing up, she opened her own brothel and promoted herself to madam of the Vertical Whorehouse and went on to publish her book The Happy Hooker divulging the ins and outs (ehem) of her lifestyle choices.

Working Down Under: Madam Lash, Sydney`s favourite private school educated own dominatrix extroadinaire. Our most notorious S&M artist, sex hedonist and kink-parlour proprietor. Though, she`s getting a bit long in the… tooth these days, Im sure that hasn`t diminished her appeal. These days she can be found hanging out in the Anything Can Happen room of her Palm Beach mansion, painting '4D' portraits of her famous friends and "highly vibrational individuals". Watch out for her next Mardi Gras.

Holy Harlots: Biblical stories are just seething with these misunderstood badgirls, beginning with Lilith . Mythology places her as Adam`s (of Garden of Eden fame) first wife, but her history can be traced to Sumerian legends where the feminine demon Lilitu tormented men with erotic dreams. Anyway, like so many relationships it was sex that broke up this couple of paradisians - ancient Jewish texts state;

Adam and Lilith immediately began to fight. She said, 'I will not lie below,' and he said, 'I will not lie beneath you, but only on top. For you are fit only to be in the bottom position, while I am to be the superior one.' Lilith responded, 'We are equal to each other inasmuch as we were both created from the earth.'

So she flew off and God had to make Adam a new girlfriend. Poor Eve didn`t escape getting a bad rep either, after all, she basically got the blame for all the ills of the world. The Magdalene has been redeemed a bit via Dan Brown, but 2000 is a loooong time for a rumour mill to be cranking against you. But who is the wickedest of them all? Why Jezebel , of course! The original painted lady who welcomed battle by putting on makeup forever earning herself a reputation for being mutton dressed as lamb.

Shakespearean Strumpets: Old Bill had a filthy mouth when he tried and some of the insults one can find in the pages of his works would fuel ripping good arguments for years to come. Shakespeare's Bawdy is a fabulous tribute to the Bard`s command of Elizabethan slang. When it came to whores Shakespeare had no limits to the names he could tarnish a woman with strumpet, slattern, wench, adulteress, temptress, cuckolder, merry wife, debauncherer, stale, doxy and it goes on. Shame he was such a rubbish speller.

TECHNOLAGGARDS REJOICE! - Dinky DIY’s Guide to Being a Classy Late-Adopter

Dinky DIY’s Guide to Being a Classy Late-Adopter


Still punching out your SMSs with two hesitant index fingers on spongy rubber buttons, applying careful punctuation? I know its hard being out of the loop when it comes to technology so here’s Dinky DIYs advice for being technologically retarded with dignity...

Book Your Face
There’s nothing sadder than a desperate housewife’s Facebook page filled with the results of the 25 quizzes she’s done since 9 am (No, you are not Elizabeth Bennett, Rita Hayworth or a “Neat Freak”, in fact you are just a bored and possibly drunk woman. Get offline and go watch Oprah.) Nor is there anything more tragic than being dragged through the ups and downs of an indiscreet couple’s constantly changing relationship status. But, there is nothing wrong with quietly slipping into Facebook society. Everyone will add you (your kids, your parents, your boss, your ex) because it is the ultimate popularity contest. Once there, why not stir things up a bit? Don’t tell us how cute your dog is or how great your darling is or how “over it” you are... Tell us the colour of your undies or better yet, that you have decided not to wear any today. Tell us that you have a dull throb in your frontal lobe and can’t recall how last night ended. Come out of the closet!? Anything but the same old crap. Your friends might freak but your neighbour may appreciate the new insight into your twisted mind.

Wiiiiiiiiiiii....
You never liked exercise anyway, right? So why get excited now that some lazy-ass computer game has you stretching and bending in the loungeroom? Because it’s so moronically, mind-numbingly entertaining you might work up a sweat just thinking about it. Just be mindful when seating your guests/co-players that they are scattered around the side and not directly behind where your wobbling arse will be on display when it comes to your turn in Wii Bowling.

Confessions of a Shopaholic
I know it was only that one time, but don’t you wish you hadn’t slipped that lippy up your sleeve down at Priceline all those months ago. Aside from the chat with the shopgirl who busted you (“Ah, madam...” “Oh thiiiiiiis yes, I wondered if you had it in a lighter shade? No, oh well I’ll just be going.”) being awkward to say the least, now you can’t go back for a cheap Revlon fix. A jolly smear from an Australis tester used to be that little upper you needed during a shopping outing but not anymore. A $3 nail polish to cheer up the afternoon! But alas, they have their eyes on you. Never fear, StrawberryNet is here. Online shopping to your heart’s content. New and FUN ways to max out your credit card from the comfort of your own home.

Chain of Fools
As soon as you open it, you know you should have hit delete and not gone there. The doom saying, damning threats of chain emails. Aside from the disturbing stories of what happens to those who don’t forward on, it’s always a depressing day when it says it must be sent to 10 friends and you realise you only have 6. Don’t be disheartened; channel your energy into penning your own.

THIS IS REALLY TRUE BECAUSE A LITTLE TWO HEADED GIRL-MONKEY IN TIMBUKTU LOOKED OUT OF HER WINDOW AND SAW THE TUMOUR SHRINKING ANGEL THAT SAVED HER LIFE AFTER HER PARENTS FORWARDED IT TO 6578920 FRIENDS.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bill Gates will Give 1 BILLION BUCKS to all the HOMELESS & STARVING if you just pass this on and

MAKE A WISH.

I never send these things but this one really, super truly works!!! There was once a guy who ignored it and the next day he got on a plane that was heading two New York on the 11th of September 2001 and....
MAKE A WISH

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Scroll down


Keep scrolling..........


I swear it’s worth it.


YAY! Good wish (you sicko.)
Now send this to 28 people in your contact list otherwise you will never get laid again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Also, what are your credit card details, otherwise you better not cross any roads again for the rest of your life or eat any food either or catch any planes or turn on any machines. Basically, if you don’t give me those details it should be safe to say you will live in constant fear and paranoia of the horrific, terrifying and just plain nasty things that could happen to you at any time.


Suckers.

Dinky DIYs Guide to Quaffing in Style

OR Grogblog (if you`re disgusted, you didn`t read that properly.)

Don`t act all superior, I know you`ve played Goon of Fortune.

You`re not fooling me as you swill that drop into a tumble dry and poke your clueless nose into the glass. I know that after the first bottle you don`t know your Cabernet from a cabaret or your Pinot from a penile dysfunction.

But that`s what we`re all about here at DIY, hacks for life, friends. Hacks for life.

Bubblybabble: Can`t go wrong, I was told by a wine grower last week, if you announce you can smell/taste „Green apples“ triumphantly after a gulp of German rielsing. I was immediately in familiar territory, „Oh, the old woody tric.“ Known in previous generations as the „Smooth getaway“ (where you, similarly announce a wine is smooth when tasting, instantly letting yourself off the hook of ignorance….for now.) Chances are though, the guy next to you knows no better so just get creative and bust out a „buttery palette with hints of melon“ or a „spicy tannins and clove aromas“ and watch them turn green with envy. Get the down-low here .

Wet Spots: While I am blessed with the ability to slurp Creme de Menthe out of shag carpets leaving no trace of cocktail indescretions, I later learnt for moments when planting one`s face into the rug may be inappropriate there is salt. Now I just carry a shaker of the stuff around and throw it about like a shaman to ward off the evil spirits that conspire to have red wine spilt on shirts, skirts and carpets. Just douse all spots with salt. Convetional wisdom also says White Wine will lift the stains of Red Wine, like a textile and grog battle for cosmic balance. But whatever you do, DAB don`t rub. Muahahahhahahaha. Oh come on, I know I`m not the only one amused.

Spoiled Rotten: Nothing so embarrassing as cork rot for all involved. The host, the one who must speak up, the ones who didn`t notice… Then there`s the problem with the old screw. Don`t be a dag about it, we all know screw caps have broken down the barrier between tipplers and their buzz. Rejoice! For you no longer have to resort to stabbing desperately at a crumbling cork with the cheese knife as you try to push it back into the bottle so you can get to your nectar. Go for the screw everytime.

I`m Not Sshlurring: Wine tastings are by far the cheats way to learn about wine and drink loads for nothing. Next time you plan to go out, let your friends know you are hosting pre-drinks and find where the local free tasting is on. Just ask the people behind the bar lots of questions and look interested in the answers if you think the charity is starting to dwindle once your friends stop using their inside voices and start thaying shings like thish.

Whinewein: Despite the outcry, sales of Adolf Hitler Wine reached a record high after Brussels and Berlin try to ban it. "Getting sued was the best thing that could have happened," says winemaker Alessandro Lunardelli, who developed the wine after the success of his Mussolini label back home in Italy. Also available in a Goering edition, Adolf Hitler`s image is splashed across the label, arm raised in Nazi salute and the regime's motto "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuehrer" underneath. It`s illegal to sell anything depicting Nazi symbols in Germany, cos they don`t want to tempt the crazy Aryans too much. But in Italy, well now, the sale of faschist souveniers is just fine! Lunardelli claims to move up to 30,000 bottles a year at highway petrol stations in Italy and probably spends most of the profits buying indulgences from the Catholic Church because he can feel the heat of Hell as it singes his toe-hairs.

Stay classy, team.

I See A Bad Moon Risin` OR Dinky DIYs Lighter Side of Climate Change

Here We Go My Global Citizens and Dinky Dinksters lets ride this unseasonal wave…

Statistics say that while everyone likes to make noises about it the regular person actually doesn`t give a crap when it comes to the point where saving the planet means compromising our cushy little lifestyle choices. Boo hoo.

Sure we`ll have our Earth Hour dinner parties and recycle Christmas cards but walk instead of drive… hm. I guess it`s a world like that where comments like this can fly,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

— Lee Iacocca, CEO/Chairman, Chrysler Corporation, 1979-1992

Umm…

So to help you giggle at the decidedly uncomfortable subject, here`s a glipse at the Lighter Side of Climate Change…

Consider Yourself Lucky: As one comedian put it, "In 50 years, my generation will be in its 70s and we'll be able to boast that we were the only generation to have contraception, iPods, cheap flights and an ozone layer." Well, when you say it like that, cool. Sucks to be your sperm, though, things are going to be really unpredictable when they grow up.

Become A Smug Hybrid Owner: Are these guys worse than smug-marrieds? I mean, are they prouder of themselves than organic only vegans or what? Wouldn`t you love to join the club? Give it a go, the DIY way. Some cars can actually run off vegetable oil . So next time you need to fill up, pull into Maccas instead of Shell and throw a bucket down the grease trap. And if your engine seizes then you will have to walk everywhere and become part of that super smug group.

When Sheryl Went Feral : “I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” Sheryl Crowe on her simple solution to the environmental crisis we face.

Stay Together For The Earth: The Dallas News reported that divorce contributes to global warming because more than two households are needed. Way to guilt someone out of dumping you, „This isn`t just about your life, its about the planet, Megan.“

Hot Sweats: I started talking about global warming, rising temperatures, rising waters and climate change with an old Oma the other day and the poor duck stared really hard at me, finally saying, „Oh dear, and you`re so young to be going through the Change.“ She also couldnt figure out why I was so worried about the poles „We bombed the bejesus out of them back in the 40`s, sweetheart, there`s nothing to worry about, now.“ Make like old people and pretend like you never heard anything about it, „Tsunami, did you say? No I just want Super Supreme thanks.“

Here`s A great Big Cup of Shut The Eff Up: Dish that one up next time you hear someone blowing a lot of hot air…. Afterall, they are contributing to the growing hole in the ozone.

Support Plane Hijackers: You gotta admit, all these terrorist attacks and plane crashes are stopping people from flying which is becomign one of the worst contributors to pollution these days. Be sure to tell everyone how terrifying your last plane trip was, exaggerate turbulance and the quality of the food. Scare people away from these budget flights and get them back to more environmentally sound options like hitchhiking and rowboating.

Lonely Planet: And while we`re talking travel, look at all the new possibilities the melting ice caps are opening up for us. Iceland might be broke but it can bail itself up by becoming the next must be seen in Riviera. The bloated carcasses of dead polar bears floating by won`t be all that off-putting once you get used to the smell.

Did you hear they cancelled Autumn? Here`s some real hilarity from the good folks at The Onion.

I feel the hurricane blowin'
I know the end is coming soon.
I see the river's overflowin'
I hear the voice to raise the ruin.


Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
I think we're in for nasty weather.
Hold on we'll take you for a ride

-John Fogerty

Nice Weather We`re Having....

I know, I know, stop staring. You don`t need to mention it, my headlights are on but let me tell you it has zilch to do with arousal. I`m bloody freezing.


I have been consistantly complaining about the weather since I got here and it never gets better. I don`t believe in acclimatisation. It`s a lie, these people are just as cold as me… they just don`t know better…. Or perhaps they think they are unworthy of a better, warmer, sun-tingly life.

Not my problem.

My problem is wearing socks in high summer during the day and sheepskin lined jackets. That`s my problem.

Way to bring me down, NORTHERN WIND.

Now, I could give you helpful tutorials on wheatpacks for snuggling up to at night (you know, those microwaved things that explode in bed and scald your toesies off) or a How To on crocheted bedsocks. But who am I kidding, these guys do stuff like that way better. Instead I will do what I do best.

Whinge.

The piddling offering of five days of sunshine and sporatic bursts of sunrays has been most distressing. A schitzophrenic excuse for a summer which, if you believe the TV ads, is already over because Fall Collection is about to hit the shops.

I almost fell off the couch when I saw that.

“Um WTF?? Autumn, already??“
“Well yes,“ comes the calm, measured reply, “we`ve already had the longest day.“

As though that explains it.

In response to my concerns, a lovely middle aged older woman informed me that she doesn`t need to buy winter pyjamas since she has her Viktor, much to the delight of all the other Europeans present. They practically wee themselves when domestic chatter turns even vaguely kinky. Viktor sat there smirking as the innuendo flew and I had to compose my mouth so that no-one knew I was gagging.
I`m polite like that.

So, I`m like Queen of the SAD club right now. Chomping down carbs and sulkily refusing to be glam because the effing rain doth maketh my hair frizzy (and smell like wet dog onion beer) and I can`t be bothered pulling out my nice warm clothes that I gleefully banished to vacuum packing months ago when Winter supposedly ended.

And I have to take, like, 3 showers a day just to stop myself from hibernating. But don`t worry, they clearly don`t have a water problem here because it darn well rains all the bloody time.

In fact, the Russian told me that Europe has a problem with people not utilising the water system enough, causing issues with pipes needing extra maintenance and dams overfilling.

Cos, y`know, they don`t bathe much here on the continent and are obsessed with drinking mineral water out of glass bottles. O.b.s.e.s.s.e.d.

So funny. Guidebooks actually advise you don`t ask for tap-water in restaurants so as not to offend. I have seen waitstaff get narky about it. Bahahahahha.

But the most hilarious thing is that they have delightful, sparkling, alpine-fresh tap water in most parts of Europe I have seen lately*. Yet they are morbidly afraid of the stuff. You should see the panic I induce when I start filling a glass from the kitchen tap. They stare aghast or hurl Evian at me like I`m on fire and need to be doused.

Anyway, I know you know where this is all heading. Shortly I will be dispatching a guide to you all on coping with global warming and other environmental hazards... just as soon as my fingers defrost.


*DO NOT EVER drink the tap water in Russia. That stuff shares the chemical recipe of paint stripper.